After going to church last night and discovering that it was indeed the most boring and repulsive thing I have done this year, I have taken it upon myself to rewrite a little bit of the traditional stuff and introduce you to my version of a modern and completely non offensive version of Church.
Please join me in the opening hymn.
In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. We'd like to remember our lord and savior Jesus Christ on this very special day, as it's his birthday. Nice one, Jesus. I reckon you're about what, 2040 years old now? Good work.
So in commemoration of the birthday of the seventh son of God (Aesus, Besus, Cesus, Desus, Eesus, Effsus and Jesus) we're going to be partying like there's no tomorrow, which there might not be because of either a) an apocalypse or b) a death star.
May the midichlorions be with you, before our existence comes to a catastrophic end (it'll look good on screen though).
We invite Brother Maynard for the first reading - Armourments 2:9-21
And now you can come and select your Jesus biscuits. We've got chicken, salt and vinegar, some sweet chilli if you prefer...
Here we have Eddie Izzard for the Homily.
And that's all for today. Henceforth, go in the peace of christ, or.... whatever.
Police, who arrived at the scene at 3:30am local time after being called by a witness, said 18-year-old Daniel Wayne Staley approached them carrying the foot in a bag, The Dallas Morning News reported.
“I dug it up from a nearby grave and took it from a Jew girl just because I wanted a foot,” Staley said, according to a police report.
Staley was charged with theft of a human corpse, The Dallas Morning News reported.
The cemetery is located in Pleasant Grove, in southeast Dallas.
Article #2 found at freshplaza.com
Australia's homeless to get pineapple windfall
Call it pineapple windfall but the homeless Down Under will soon be feasting on the fruit.
The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission is getting over 800,000 cans of pineapple - weighing 1.1 million kilos, filling 50 semitrailers and costing 3 million dollars - for the nation's homeless community.
The commission has asked American company Heinz, which took over Aussie firm Golden Circle in 2008, to stop marketing products with the label "proudly Australian owned".
Accordingly thousands of tonnes of wrongly labelled pineapple cans will have to be disposed of, reports The Sunday Telegraph.
But now the poor and destitute will get to enjoy the fruit, thanks to charity Foodbank Australia.
( that's a heartwarming story :D )
Article #3 at news.com.au
Gay dogs not welcome, diner in South Australia told
A RESTAURANT in a northwest suburb of Adelaide that refused a blind man entry because it thought his guide dog was "gay" was ordered by the Equal Opportunity Tribunal to pay him $1500.
The (Adelaide) Sunday Mail said Ian Jolly, 57, was barred from dining at the Thai Spice restaurant in May 2009 after a staff member mistook his guide dog Nudge for a "gay dog," a tribunal heard this week.
A statement given by restaurant owners Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le said one of the restaurant's waiters said that Mr Jolly's partner Ms Chris Lawrence stated "she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant."
Mr Jolly and Ms Lawrence were refused entry to the restaurant - which displays a "guide dogs welcome" sign - even after providing staff with a guide dogs fact card.
At an Equal Opportunity Tribunal conciliation hearing on Friday, the restaurant agreed to provide Mr Jolly with a written apology and attend an Equal Opportunity education course, in addition to paying him $1500.
"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," a statement from the hearing said.
Mr Jolly said while he was happy with the result, the embarrassing incident had dampened his enthusiasm for eating out at restaurants. "It gives you some comfort that Equal Opportunity is there," he said.
"But I always have that fear now, when I go out.
"I just want to be like everybody else and be able to go out for dinner, to be left alone and just enjoy a meal."
Thai Spice refused to speak to the Sunday Mail when contacted for comment.
And finally, what sort of news week would it be without our dear friend Jesus...
Article #4, found at dailytelegraph.com.au
Face of Jesus found in a field
GOOGLE has captured the face of Jesus — in the middle of a FIELD.
Satellite pictures appear to reveal the Lord's bearded face staring out of the ground in eastern Hungary.
Eagle-eyed web browsers noticed it while looking at Google Maps images of remote farmland.
Last month, we reported how the Son of God's face was spotted burned into the cooking fat of a pan of bacon.
... Jesus has been everywhere man. He's been everywhere.
Henceforth, google is my only source for news...
