After going to church last night and discovering that it was indeed the most boring and repulsive thing I have done this year, I have taken it upon myself to rewrite a little bit of the traditional stuff and introduce you to my version of a modern and completely non offensive version of Church.
Please join me in the opening hymn.
In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. We'd like to remember our lord and savior Jesus Christ on this very special day, as it's his birthday. Nice one, Jesus. I reckon you're about what, 2040 years old now? Good work.
So in commemoration of the birthday of the seventh son of God (Aesus, Besus, Cesus, Desus, Eesus, Effsus and Jesus) we're going to be partying like there's no tomorrow, which there might not be because of either a) an apocalypse or b) a death star.
May the midichlorions be with you, before our existence comes to a catastrophic end (it'll look good on screen though).
We invite Brother Maynard for the first reading - Armourments 2:9-21
And now you can come and select your Jesus biscuits. We've got chicken, salt and vinegar, some sweet chilli if you prefer...
Here we have Eddie Izzard for the Homily.
And that's all for today. Henceforth, go in the peace of christ, or.... whatever.