Saturday, December 25, 2010

A modified Christmas celebration...

After going to church last night and discovering that it was indeed the most boring and repulsive thing I have done this year, I have taken it upon myself to rewrite a little bit of the traditional stuff and introduce you to my version of a modern and completely non offensive version of Church.

Please join me in the opening hymn.

In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit. We'd like to remember our lord and savior Jesus Christ on this very special day, as it's his birthday. Nice one, Jesus. I reckon you're about what, 2040 years old now? Good work.

So in commemoration of the birthday of the seventh son of God (Aesus, Besus, Cesus, Desus, Eesus, Effsus and Jesus) we're going to be partying like there's no tomorrow, which there might not be because of either a) an apocalypse or b) a death star.

May the midichlorions be with you, before our existence comes to a catastrophic end (it'll look good on screen though).

We invite Brother Maynard for the first reading - Armourments 2:9-21

And now you can come and select your Jesus biscuits. We've got chicken, salt and vinegar, some sweet chilli if you prefer...

Here we have Eddie Izzard for the Homily.

And that's all for today. Henceforth, go in the peace of christ, or.... whatever.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Thanks, guys. No really, life is so brilliant. I couldn't afford to see you and then you say you're losing the Farro brothers. Thanks. I will never see the true Paramore every again.

Henceforth... Screw you. I demand a live concert with original Paramore. Right now.

Muse Concert 19/12/10

So I went to the Muse concert last night at Steel Blue Oval in Bassendean. It was Muse's last concert of their Australian 'Resistance' Tour, and their last show for 2010. I saw Muse earlier this year when they headlined for the Big Day Out 2010, and I was stoked when they decided to come back to Australia because watching Muse perform is one of the greatest things I have experienced in my life.

Muse were supported by Biffy Clyro, a Scottish alternative band. I was pretty impressed by these guys because it's difficult enough to be a supporting band for anybody, let alone Muse. They were wearing fluro pants and no shirts (cause apparently it's pretty hot in Australia) and they played really well. Might have to buy a CD or two.

Here are some of the photos and videos I got from the concert, my camera ran out of batteries about halfway through but I still managed to get some good ones :) It was such an amazing concert, their stage presence is so good and they have the best effects (lighting, displays, giant eyeball balloons, etc)

Without further ado, here are the souvenirs I have from my camera.

The Stage

Biffy Clyro

The Crowd

The lights turned on!!


And here is a very crappy sequence of videos from the concert. Enjoy :D

Henceforth, going to every Muse concert every time they're in the area. Would see them again and again and again...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Well life has been so awesome.

What with you guys dropping off the face of the planet and being homosexual and growing beards while I sit at home for two weeks and cry as I eat Choc Wedges watching the Dog Whisperer on some underdeveloped Foxtel Channel, and the one day I do go outside I end up getting so sunburned I look like something out of James and the Giant Peach and I'll give you a hint, I do not look like James.

But I'm glad you're all back and hopefully you'll all be really nice to me when I see you cause I've missed you guys more than I'll actually admit to your faces.

Henceforth, if anything happens to any one of you, like if somebody accidentally falls on a knife, I'd really miss you. Quite a lot.

So, don't die or do any of that crazy shit kids do these days.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Auto Correct.

I thought I'd have a rant about auto correct while I was here. I find that when I use my iPod touch to send a message, it used to do this really annoying thing where it would auto correct my spelling and make me sound like an idiot. Going for a sex, for instance, is not something I make a habit of, but auto correct endorses being a prostitute.

I'm sure many of you who have iPod touches - namely, Brandon and Matt - does anyone else have one? - will understand my pain. If not, I have found some excellent examples online at a new site I found called Damn You Auto Correct, because surprisingly enough I'm not the only one who suffered under the curse of auto correct.

I think he meant books?

Yes, sir. Yes indeed...

So, henceforth, turn off your auto correct. It might be funny but it's almost always going to make things weird and you people are already weird enough.
(All this and more at Damn You Auto Correct)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Pope Song

So, Tim Minchin's awesome new song (I say new, it's... newer than his other songs) 'The Pope Song', is another genius song written by this amazing musician. And when you take out all the swear words, he's got a really good argument going.

Unfortunately, nobody can watch the cartoon on YouTube unless they're over 18, because some douche flagged it as inappropriate. If you find it inappropriate, DON'T WATCH IT. Gosh.

So I thought, fuck the motherfucker! I'm uploading it to the blog.

Don't be offended if you're religious, and if you're not, then enjoy. :D

I would also recommend listening to it while reading the lyrics. It makes more sense and it's even funnier, but the cartoon is also ridiculously funny.


Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the motherfucker
He's a fucking motherfucker

Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the fucking fucker
Fuck the motherfucker
He's a total fucking fucker

Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the motherfucker
Fucking fuck the motherfucker

Fuck the motherfucker
Fuck the motherfucking Pope.

Fuck the motherfucker
And fuck you, motherfucker
If you think that motherfucker is sacred
If you cover for another motherfucker
Who's a kiddie fucker
Fuck you, you're no better
Than the motherfucking rapist

And if you don't like the swearing
That this motherfucker forced from me
And reckon it shows moral
Or intellectual paucity
Then fuck you, motherfucker
This is language one employs
When one is fucking cross
About fuckers fucking boys

I don't give a fuck if calling
The Pope a motherfucker
Means you unthinkingly brand me
An unthinking apostate
This has nowt to do with other
Fucking Godly motherfuckers
I'm not interested right now
In fucking scriptural debate

There are other fucking songs
And there are other fucking ways
I'll be a religious apologist
On other fucking days
And the fact remains if you protect
A single kiddie fucker
The Pope, or Prince or Plumber
You're a fucking motherfucker

You see I don't give a fuck about
What any other motherfucker
Believes about Jesus
And his motherfucking mother
I've no problem with the spiritual beliefs
Of all these fuckers
While those beliefs don't impact
On the happiness of others

But if you build your Church on claims
Of fucking moral authority
And with threats of Hell impose it
On others in society
Then you, you motherfuckers
Can expect some fucking wrath
When it turns out you've been fucking us
In our motherfucking asses

So fuck the motherfucker
And fuck you, motherfucker
If you're still a motherfucking Papist
If he covered for a single motherfucker
Who's a kiddie fucker
Fuck the motherfucker
He's as evil as the rapist

And if you look into your motherfucking heart
And tell me true
If this motherfucking stupid fucking
Song offended you
With its filthy fucking language
And its fucking disrespect
If it made you feel angry
Go ahead and write a letter

But if you find me more offensive
Than the fucking possibility
That the Pope protected priests
While they were getting fucking fiddly
Then listen to me motherfucker
This here is a fact:
You are just as morally misguided
As that motherfucking, power hungry
Self-aggrandised bigot
In the stupid fucking hat.


Henceforth, have fun getting this song stuck in your head. It's quite catchy.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Licking Emma Watson's Face

Why don't I get to lick Emma Watson's face?

Cause I'm not a dog.

So, this story makes more sense when you pretend they are stray dogs.









Friday, October 1, 2010

The Montuak Monster

So this is what I do when I'm bored, I look up random crap online and then talk about it on my blog. Not very interesting?

It's called the Montuak Monster, and it washed up on a beach near the Montuak Business District of New York in 2008, and it was reported that a similar creature was found in Panama in 2009. There has been much speculation over what exactly this thing is, as it has a body like a raccoon and hands like a sloth and a beak and a tail.
Some people say it was created at a laboratory as an experiment, but there are no surgical marks on the animal. The most likely explanation, according to some 'experts', is that it is a mutated turtle without a shell. Which is sad, when you think about it.
However, turtles do not have claws or tails or elbows, so what is this thing?
There are some other suggestions as to what it might have been...

- Voldemort (or at least, the voldemort of the animal world)

- A Gargoyle (hey, it's possible... there were gargoyles in the Hunchback of Notre Dame, weren't there?)

- A creature from Avatar (or any other plausible alien creature)

- Yoda

- A [Baby] Gryphon (because mythological creatures are awesome)

- Dobby

- A Dog Monster (reference to Ghost Busters)

- Charmeleon

So there's some food for thought.
Unfortunately, it's more likely to be a neglected or tortured raccoon or dog that has been decomposing for more than a few years. That sort of makes me sad, so deep deep down I really hope it's a Charmeleon.
Henceforth, be on the look out for more strange things. (On the internet, anyway.)

The Fucking Weather

It's, the internet's number one site for weather and foul language! What more do you really need?
It's a really good site. You can put in any city and it'll tell you what the temperature is. You can change it to celcius, and get it to remember your city. So I've set it for Perth and it said to me,



Sometimes, it says things like
  • 15°?! ITS FUCKING ....ALRIGHT ... AND WET. Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
  • 89°?! ITS FUCKING HOT. Better than winter.
  • 20°?! ITS FUCKING NICE. Quit your bitching.
  • 2°?! ITS FUCKING COLD. I'm freezing my balls off in here.
  • 69°?! ITS FUCKING SEXY TIME. What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
  • WRONG FUCKING ZIP CODE. Or server error, whichever.
So save it in your bookmarks, because henceforth I'll be using it as my main weather informant.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Happy Snaps from Bokke's Party

So last night we had a marvelous time at Daniel and Christine's 18th party... as usual, I was impressed by the high quality dancing and throw-downing that goes on at these parties. Everyone was dressed wonderfully, best dressed goes to Conrad because he wore a tie and McGee and Benramen come in at a close second with their incredibly sexual scarves.
Conrad also won best dancer, because he actually dances. Most calories burned is Jordan Edwards, with his ever-persistent hardcore/crabcore/throwdown/slamdancing. Never fails to impress.
So thanks to the Wigston's for a great night out and general funsies when we'd otherwise be home being lonely and eating chocolate. Without further ado, here are my photos.

And I'm (not) proud to introduce the Pedo's Apprentice... his name is Joseph Fritzel-Blay.
... D:

Here is the master and the apprentice. Together, no creature goes unharmed. Lock up your daughters, sons, wives, husbands, cats, dogs, chickens and any others who are at risk, aka everything that ever existed, ever.

And now, the special sealed section, called 'Pictures of Tom'.

...Darcie wins.
Henceforth, holidays and study. Have fun with that.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


To the point at which I'm not even in this photo anymore, and I'm only in the context.

Thanks Wong.
Henceforth, no pictures with you again. Ever.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


So I went to my cousin's house for dinner tonight. Little five year old Christian, who is a little ray of sunshine, is growing up and talking a lot and he wears me out.

Our conversations go something like this.

Christian: Mr Boring Head.
Darcie: Who's he?
Christian: He's so boring, he just sleeps all the time. He's got a face and nose and ears and hair and feet and hands and legs and arms and eyes and a mouth.
Darcie: Has he got a tail?
Christian: Yes. And there's Mr Pencil Head.
Darcie: Pencil Head?
Christian: Yeah.
Darcie: What's he like?
Christian: He's like a dog but he's a pencil, he's a talking dog with a pencil head and a tail.
Darcie: You can't forget the tail.
Christian: And there's Mr Book Head.
Darcie: Does he have a tail?
Christian: No. Don't be silly. He's a Book Head.

But.... Mr Pencil has a tail.... why not Mr Book? ... I don't understand...

But I learned a lot of other important things tonight, like the only noise a kangaroo is allowed to make is 'Boing. Boing!! BOING!'
And the offspring of a Tigger and a Puppy is a Puppytigger. And when Christian is dressed in a pirate outfit, he's either Captain Jack Smarrow (yes, jack smarrow) or Coo Coo Cachoo Chicken Parrot Pirate Man.
And when you find old cassette tapes lying around the house, the best thing to do is pull out all the brown tape inside and make a huge mountain of 'seaweed'. Because cassette tapes are made of seaweed, don't ya know.

But then he got tired and wanted a cuddle. And I fell asleep. And then he woke me up by saying "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR DOLPHINFACE!"

I miss being five.
Henceforth, I really like my cousin. We found out tonight that Christian is gonna be a big brother soon and I'll have another little cousin to teach me all about the world, even though I thought it was the other way around.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Smile :)

This is just sweet. Makes you think a bit. Liked it, thought I'd share.

My friend Lachy sent it to me last year. He's in there, with his brother.

And think about what'd make your day, or someone else's.

Henceforth, I'm sleeping. Goodnight.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Second Phase

"Yes, behold my lord Ulrich, the rock, the hard place, like a wind from Guilderland he sweeps by blown far from his homeland in search of glory and honor, we walk in the garden of his turbulence!"
- Geoffrey Chaucer, A Knight's Tale

That's what they said about me when I passed my second phase learners. :)

I didn't tell you all that I was going for it again so as to make an embarrassment of myself once more, but I passed this time. Conor bought me lollies just in case I failed and the waterworks started again but I was successful. But still, WHAT A SWEETIE.

So that was my day. And the first blog in a long time.

Henceforth, I'm on my second phase, bitches. <3

Friday, August 13, 2010


Yeah, it's real. It exists. On another blog site, but it's still effing hilarious.
The best Harry Potter blog I've found so far, called Loldemort. It's a collection of little Harry Potter snippits, and some of them have had little quotes added which make them even more hilarious.
For example...

And there's more I plan to email around when I get the chance.
Henceforth, I'll be spamming your school inboxes like a HP-fangirl-spammer-bitch. (Not too far from the truth then.)
Oh, and here's the link to Loldemort.